Faye McDonough

“How was your holiday?” they’d ask. “Average” I’d say.

Sound familiar?

Since becoming a parent, I’ve learned quickly not to dress up the realities of holidaying with young children.

One of our first family “holidays” was to our most favourite place, Ibiza with a plan to ‘relax’ before returning to work after maternity leave. I imagined waltzing back into the office with a light tan and air of Zen. How wrong I was.

The arrival of 4 new teeth in one week put paid to that. We were all collectively climbing the walls. Sleep deprived with an inconsolable, teething baby, I cried behind my sunglasses on the plane home.

This article in the HuffPost does a brilliant job of spelling this out so I don’t have to (Repeat after me, “It’s not a holiday with kids. It’s a TRIP”)

This gave me comfort last year when my husband and I took it in turns to want to escape our carefully planned family holidays.

I love spending time with my kids but the reality is, I prefer it to be at home, when life is easy and when we have a routine. They’re happy. I’m happy.

Some families holiday with ease but that’s not us and I know I’m not alone. I can’t tell you how many times friends and I have bonded over ridiculous stories of family “holidays”. I could write a book.

Trips with kids are an opportunity for new family experiences, for adventures and for them to learn about other cultures and the world. But they are not in my sense of the word, a holiday nor an opportunity for much needed rest.

My idea of a holiday firmly remains uninterrupted reading time on a sun lounger in the shade, preferably indefinitely. We all know that isn’t compatible with children.

So this year we decided it was time to do it differently. 10 years of parenthood warranted a shake-up.

We have our usual family trips planned but in addition we’ve both planned our ideal holidays away.

For her, a 7-day Mediterranean yoga retreat. For him, three 4-day weekends with friends, football and fine craft ale.

I’m writing this from my perspective as a mum, but the principle applies to all parents – we deserve time to recharge individually. In fact, it’s essential.

I’ve been back almost three weeks – and wow, it was bliss.

A week of sunrise swims, twice daily yoga & meditation, afternoon naps, and plenty of my longed for uninterrupted reading time under an umbrella.

I’m still feeling the benefit of it. More energy, more perspective and a full recharge. I feel truly rested and with an invigorated yoga practice which gives me snippets of holiday vibes when I’m on the mat (bonus)

But it didn’t happen easily and that’s why I wanted to write about it.

With it came a lot of guilt, discomfort and an uncomfortable insight into the reality of gendered expectations of men and women.

First, Let’s Talk About Guilt

It took me a long time to say out loud what I was planning to do and even longer to pay in full and book my flights.

I wrestled with giving myself permission to do something that on the face of it seemed so selfish, despite being so needed.

I’d been away before but for shorter periods and usually to do something productive like cycle cross-country with my best friend (long story!). This felt different. 7 days uninterrupted, unproductive rest.

Landing a new role finally gave me the impetus I needed to commit alongside some chivying from friends.

The timing was perfect. The retreat would sit nicely between finishing my old job and starting the new.

It was all aligned. There was my permission.

I’m telling you this in case you need to hear it too. Don’t wait to do something you long to do. You deserve this now. You don’t need permission.

Your reflection: What have you been longing to do but keep putting off because it feels selfish? What would giving yourself permission look like?

So, my career transition helped me to overcome my guilt (Perhaps there’s something you can find as your excuse too?) and the daily journaling during the retreat dealt with most of the rest.

Job done, I thought. Turns out I was wrong.

Then Came the Discomfort

I found myself rationalising and almost justifying why I was going away on my own, even when the conversation was supportive. That’s when I realised it was because it’s unusual.

Mums don’t usually do this. I was uncomfortable.

My husband told me he was greeted with surprise and “Really?” when he told people “Faye’s away until next Sunday” as if to prove my point.

When I was away, well-meaning people would comment on how understanding my husband must be in a way that suggested I was doing something radical (conversations he’d never have if the roles were reversed)

I’d deliberately chosen a yoga retreat where I knew some faces but not close friends. This offered me a degree of anonymity which was helpful as I settled into this new ‘solo travelling’ me.

Once I’d been there for a few days and I’d shared more about me, a lot of conversations came back to the family. I was asked regularly “Are you missing your children?”.

I was but I also wasn’t sure what the right answer was.

It’s normal and healthy to miss them but I’d also been craving alone time FOREVER.

I can miss them and still not want the yoga retreat to be over. Both of these things can be true.

I wish I’d prepared a few confident responses in advance, because the questions caught me off guard and made me feel like I was doing something wrong when I absolutely wasn’t.

Second time around, I’d be more prepared and have a couple of confident statements ready for reply such as “we both take solo trips when we need them – it works well for our family” or even to echo my thoughts “missing them and needing this break aren’t mutually exclusive – both can be true”.

Your reflection: How do you handle questions or comments that make you feel defensive about choices that are right for your family?

The Gendered Expectations Reality

But this led to another realisation – the gendered expectations of how things work at home.

People asked if I’d left my husband a long list of things to do such as “Remember to feed the kids”, “Don’t forget to take them to school!” and “Don’t let them stay up until midnight!”.

I didn’t. That wasn’t a thing.

We’ve worked hard in recent years to make sure we’re interchangeable. As long as one of us is around, all is good. No list was needed. If he needed a long list to parent his own children, we’d have bigger problems!

Now this hasn’t been easy and it’s a work in progress. I can still default to being the lead parent with a heavier invisible load but I know I’m happier when I’m not and so does my husband.

We use the Fair Play system and some fairly straight talking to keep us on track.

Of course, everything was absolutely fine at home. I was missed but life moved on. Everything was running smoothly when I returned to a family pleased to see me and excited to hear about my adventures.

Your reflection: What assumptions do people make about your role at home? How could you work toward being more interchangeable with your partner?

Questions for Your Own Reflection

Before you dismiss the idea of taking time away for yourself:

• What type of break would actually recharge you – active adventure, complete rest, creative pursuits, or something else? I tried plenty until I happened on this one.
• What guilt or discomfort comes up when you imagine taking a solo trip? Where does that come from?
• How could you and your partner create more balance in parenting responsibilities?
• What would you need to put in place to feel confident about taking time away?
• What’s one small step you could take toward planning your own recharge time?

Moving Forward

So, going away solo is radical it seems. I found it uncomfortable and so did other people.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it. You absolutely should.

I loved it and I’m already planning my next true holiday… What’s stopping you from booking yours?